I drove about three and a half hours to Somerset, PA tonight, looking at the amazing stars fill the quiet night sky. I am speaking tomorrow at the PA State Health and Phys Ed Convention at the Seven Springs Resort. On the ride, tonight’s “read” was Dr. Wayne Dyer’s CD series about living the life of the Tao. It’s called “Change Your Thoughts, Change Your Life.” I refer to Dr. Dyer as the man who “saved” my life.
It was October of 2002, and I was in a tough place. I was dealing with a lot of pain in my life, both emotionally and physically. We had just found out my mom was suffering from this debilitating disease and my life was just turned upside down by a career change, a move, a breakup, the physical pain I was dealing with in this fibromyalgia the Dr.’s finally pinpointed I had, and the loss of my dog, my best friend, to illness. I was falling apart. Or so I thought. I allowed myself to think this. I succumbed to the mental, emotional and physical pain. I WAS the pain.
Then, one day, when I was laying in bed, not moving for what seemed like days, I turned on the TV. Flipping through the channels, I stopped on Dr. Dyer. I hadn’t really watched or listened to him before. Something didn’t let me change the channel. I listened. I heard. I sat up in bed and felt my heart physically molding itself back together while I sat there. I was feeling whole for the first time in months. It felt good. I turned off the TV when it was over, having had listened to all two hours of the program. I sat in silence, writing down everything I could remember. Writing down my pain, as if writing it on paper would rid my mind of it. I sat, quietly, and felt a coolness come over me. Like a soft breeze on the first fall day after an excruciating summer. I realized in that moment what I thought was the winter of my life was just the opportunity. It was just an opportunity for me to shed all that didn’t serve me. To get rid of that which I didn’t deserve. It was my time to let go, to let God decide what was next for me. I was caught up in my own ego, focused on what I didn’t have. Instead, It was time to focus on what I did have. “You get that which you manifest.” One of Dr. Dyer’s famous lines. I have repeated it over and over in my life these past eight years. I have found it to be eerily true. I need reminders. We all do some days.
I was trying to control what wasn’t mine to control. I was trying to do instead of be. I was so wrapped up in getting instead of giving. I wasn’t following my calling. I didn’t even know what my calling was. I was so lost inside my own life. How can that be? I felt like I was supposed to be somewhere and I could never find where that somewhere was. And since that day, I have been back there a few more times, lost and confused, focused on the wrong things. Looking, searching, seeking to just be understood. One of my favorite prayers ever given to the world is the Prayer of St. Francis of Assisi. “Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be understood as to understand; to be loved as to love. For it is in giving that we receive…” This is my calling. To give, to understand, to listen, to just…be. I have felt that all my life. I struggle often with living it out. I guess that you may too.
I listened, smiling as a drove. marveling at the stars through my sunroof. Trying to live the Tao, and just be. Quiet and still. “The breeze at dawn has secrets to tell you. Just be quiet and listen.” And even those days when I don’t know what my calling is, or I still doubt, after all this time… I have to let go and trust. These words of course are the same ones that come out of my mouth to my athletes. Let go, and trust. The knowing is where the miracles happen. If we are just quiet and still, we hear things we may never have heard before in our lives. It’s truly amazing…
Let go. Trust. Listen.
Sit with me in silence.