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I never asked for this…

Yeah. Me neither. I thought that things only happen when you ask for them. I mean, that’s how life works, right?
I was sadly mistaken. Life just…. happens. No questions asked sometimes. The flat tire, speeding ticket, horrible headache and burnt dinner all in one 2 hour period… people don’t really ask for that, right?

I spent some of my evening reading. A funny new found freedom I feel without classes hanging over me, 4 chapters of a text and countless articles to digest. I feel good. I can feel again. I was reading some deep stuff, reflecting on life, on mistakes I have made, losses I have accumulated, times I have been so low down. The truth is, we all relate on some level to weakness. We don’t often want to admit it, but we relate to it. Quietly, suffering in our own cesspool of emotion until maybe someday someone opens the dam and we can lose it all. There is no glory in the junk. By definition, it is just that… Junk. Old broken lamps that don’t have a plug, or a bulb, or even a switch. What is the point? Buy a new one.

There is some strange kind of a beauty in deep emotion. Even when it is raw and real, there is a softer, more loving conversation we have with ourselves when life gets ugly. It’s not my fault. I never asked for this. What else is going to happen…

And while this is true, this is the reality of what we have to deal with at any given time. And navigating through the broken lamps often takes careful consideration so as not to cut oneself in the heap of brokenness.

And then that one person comes along with a reminder, like the person who stands a chance at maybe fixing the lamp. The one who picks up the pieces and at least gives it a shot. Because Lord knows you are too afraid to try it yourself. And still, you are left holding the wire, saying… I never asked for this. Maybe you just don’t want the help. Maybe not now. Maybe not ever.

Your struggles remain silent, you shuffle through life with sunglasses and a hat on so as not to be seen. You go to work, you come home, you sit on the couch and you go to bed. You get up the next morning, you go to work, you come home, you sit on the couch, and you go to bed. You do it until it becomes habit, mindless habit that tears away at your heart muscle, weakening the very fibers it once was. It beats. But not to the same music it once did. It lives in your chest, but you question at times whether it’s really yours. And drifting to sleep on a Tuesday night, you whisper softly… I never asked for this.

And then the day came when you decided you had enough. You wake up and drink orange juice instead of coffee. You drive a different way to work. You say hi to the first person you see, and you smile. Oh, that smile. You missed those muscles working in tandem to create a choice. A word with no voice. Your smile becomes you. Your words pound through your chest. You feel it again. And it feels good. You wonder where it came from…. You think life is funny and go about your day.

Your choice becomes your truth. And little did you know, you never asked for this… any of it.

But congratulations, proud owner…

It’s all yours.

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